If David Letterman can make a living at it surely I can steal his idea and at least make a Sunday at it.  My top ten list for families has been brewing in my mind for a while. Families and what makes them strong has been one of my interests for years. There are just about as many books about raising kids and strengthening families, as there are cookbooks.   Politicians have been fighting about who has the key to the good family for at least two decades now.  I think this family values thing is generally a way for politicians to make nicey nice while not really saying anything.  In some ways this is a continuation of the sermons about sustainable living.  Our lives are sustainable through strong families.  Strong family groups make for a strong society.  This morning I challenge each of us to take one of the following ten ways to rally a family and make a real effort to incorporate it into our lives.

Let me begin by defining what I mean by family.  Anyone with whom you share a close relationship is your family.  Or more clearly anyone who you define as family is your family.  Our families are the people who cared for us when we were little or the people who care for us now. They are the people we live with now or once lived with. They are formed by legal and biological bonds as well as by choice and chance. So as this sermon progresses this morning think of those who you call family and see if there isn’t some way to improve on the relationships – there always is.

I know that family is not always a pleasant memory for everyone. I once heard a comedian say, “Me therapy, of course, I grew up in a family.”  Families can be very difficult and I don’t want to imply that we can fix all the past mistakes and tragedies by doing these ten simple things.  I don’t want to minimize the tremendous pain that families can cause one another, even into adulthood.  Families that are struggling with generations of secrets, illnesses or abuse need much more than this sermon had to offer.  But for most of us simple steps are a start.  So while I know that families can be terrible places I also know that healing has to start somewhere.

As a disclaimer let me say  – I don’t have all the answers nor do I do all these things as often or as well as I should.  Just in case some of you thought I was some kind of family expert, lets clear the record right here and now.  I get on the phone to my mom and ask her advice as much or more than the next person.  I am just as likely to be impatient and cranky with my kids and my spouse as any of you, but I keep trying.  That’s what these top ten are about. Trying!  Trying to live up to the expectations we strive after.

 So I start with the one I struggle with the most, time. Families need time.  There was a movement a while back that suggested “quality” time with our kids that made up for the lack in the “quantity” of time.  And while I do believe in quality time rather than time that has no quality to it – I am certainly a fan of quantity of time.

Most of us work too hard and our work hours are too long.  We hardly see the people who share our lives. We leave the house in the wee hours of the morning and don’t return until long past dark.  We maybe get to see our sleepy kids toddle out of bed or kiss them quick before they toddle back in.  That is not enough. Families need time together.  But it’s not just the adults who don’t have time.  Many of our children are involved in after school sports, music lessons or extra schooling, which all takes away from family time. One of the things that research has shown is kids whose time away from the family is limited tend to do better. It makes sense those that have more time with the family tend to have a stronger connection to the family and thus feel their support can come from the family.  Kids need extra curricular activities for instance music lessons are important for self esteem and to improve thinking skills but just like too much of any good thing too much time away from the family isn’t good.

Not only do families with children need time but couples and friends need time together, too. We need time with our adult children and time with our aging parents. We need to take time to be with our partners and for some of us whose families are our pets we need to take time with our pets.  John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, suggests that couples who stay together are couples that know one another.  He says, “happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this [he] mean[s] a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”  He goes on, “These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. … Friendship, he says, fuels the flames of romance” [1] In order to know one another, in order to be friends, we need to spend time together.  So number one on my list is time.

Number two is really a subset of more time. Turn off the television.  Yes its true – I too was once a television addict, but have kicked the habit.  We still have the VCR and once a week or so we choose a movie to watch, but other than that there is no TV. No cable, no news, no sports, no cartoons on Saturday, no sitcoms (I do desperately miss Will and Grace). It has made a huge difference. There are no more arguments about when to watch, what to watch and who gets to watch. There is time to read together, listen to the radio, and talk to one another. There were many nights when we had a television I would come from a church meeting and watch a sitcom to settle down. Now I read a book, listen to a tape or simply go to bed.  We are all more rested and there is less to argue about. So for my two-cents a lot can be gained by getting rid of the TV.

Numbers three, four, and five on the list is come to church. I know that in some ways because you are here I am preaching to the choir. But I want to encourage you to keep it up and bring your family too.  In the language of the market; for my money church is a very simple investment that pays big dividends.  Church in and of its self is important for strong families but it also provides two other things that help; other adult influences and meaning in the form of helping others. First, church in itself is key in helping kids to succeed.  Most kids who are leading healthy positive productive lives regularly attend religious programs or services. [2] Church gives families a center, a place to belong and community of like-minded people with which to share the ups and downs of life.  Churches help to build strong individuals and strong families. When my daughter encounters difficult situations she often reflects on the people she has met here.  For instance, when someone tells her pagans are scary she recalls the women she has worshipped with each Equinox and disagrees.  I know it makes Ariana stronger to know that many of you know her and care for her.

In the book What Kids Need to Succeed the authors suggest several ways to help your kids be involved.  Ask them where they would like to go to church and go along.  Come to church yourself.  Make faith part of your life at home.  When you have an important family decision remember to bring to the question issues of faith.  And get this one (I swear I didn’t write this book) volunteer in the Sunday school.  Active involvement on your part in the church encourages the same on the part of the kids.  I know that it is hard on Sunday morning to convince your kids to come to church, but there is pay off.  Families that are part of supportive communities are stronger.  But maybe you don’t have kids.  Still if those you define as family can find a place to worship together your bonds will be stronger. And maybe for some of us who live far from our extended families church can be the larger family we belong to. Come to church is number three.

Number four on the list of ways to make families stronger is to have other adults to talk with; other adult resources for you and your kids. Isolation is not how we social beings were meant to live our lives. Sure at times being alone is important but generally speaking we are enriched and bolstered by being with others.   Church is one place to find this as are clubs, social groups and community groups. Other adults in your life give you someone to share your concerns with and a place to belong.  It gives you a reality check when you might be moving off the mark.  It gives your family other families to be with. It gives your kids other adults to talk with.  We all need others.  Just like any structure built of small pieces that lean on one, families that are involved with other families tend to be stronger.  I remember particularly my mom’s best friend when I was growing up.  I remember the model of friendship they showed me but I also remember Mrs. C was my other mother.  Particularly when I didn’t want to go straight home after school I would stop by and have a cup of tea with Mrs. C.  She wasn’t mom so there were some serious conversations we could have in a different way, but also I knew she was someone mom respected. She gave me another way to look at the world and certainly she gave me another person who valued my opinions and me.  I was a stronger kid because of her influence.  So find a way to give your family other adults to talk with and spend time with.

Number five on the list is social action or finding meaning. Strong families devote some of their time to helping others.  It doesn’t have to be fancy; it doesn’t have to be time consuming it just needs to happen. Things that don’t really matter can consume our lives. We show our family what really matters by how we spend our time.  If we spend time as a family helping others it makes it clear what matters. Helping others as a family takes some of the emphasis off what little or big hassles we may have. It helps to develop empathy.  It gives us a chance to talk with our kids about what we value and instills those values in a kinesthetic way. When we involve our families in baking bread for the neighbor, planting flowers at the school, helping to sort clothes for the rummage sale, or passing out campaign brochures we are giving them a physical message about a very heart felt part of life.  Do your families know what you care about?  Can your kids name the things that are most important to you?  If you spend time together doing something for those causes your family will remember.  And like I said church is a great place to find those projects.  I drag Ariana to a number of meetings and I used to wonder what she heard. One day I asked her what she thought was important to me. She said she thought I believed that people should be treated fairly.  How did she know that? She said it was all those meetings at church.  Next fall I would like to have a project a month that households can do together. Painting, planting, cooking, cleaning, raking, and befriending are all possibilities for families.  I hope you will use the opportunity to rally your families.

Number six is advocate.  I wrote a bit about this in a newsletter column in January.  We can all make the world a better place for all families, ours included,  if we advocate for them.  Support parents in your neighborhood. Start a parent discussion group. Talk with your co-workers, boss and personal people and help to put policies in place that support families.  Support parent education.  The demands on families are tremendous; make space for those demands in your work place and community.  In public meetings talk about the issues that face today’s families and encourage everyone to help out.  Keep the needs of families in the fore front of all decisions that are made.  Support groups like the Children’s Defense Fund and our own Promise the Children campaign.  [3]

Number seven, eight, nine and ten all go together. About four years ago I attended a workshop for counseling and Buddhism.  One of the presenters offered these four truths as a way to better our family lives. They may sound familiar to you as I wrote about them in a newsletter column at the time.  He said “Show up, Pay attention, speak the truth and Let go of the out come.”  Those four are very powerful.  Let me take them one at a time. Show up. Two simple words but so powerful. Show up. Be where your family is. Be there emotionally and physically. Go to the flute concert. Be there when they come home. Be the driver for the car pool. Go on errands together. Eat meals together. Volunteer at the school.  Stop when they need to talk. Be there to snuggle them in bed at night.  Show up.

Next is pay attention.  Many things pull on us at once, its hard to pay attention to just one. I know that often I am present, I have shown up, but I don’t always pay attention. I am reminded of the “good listening” posture our kids are taught. They are supposed to face the person, keep their hands and feet still and look at the person who is talking.  Basically pay attention. Some times that is hard when dinner needs to be made or work brought home demands our attention, but a strong family is a family that pays attention to each other.  The recent shooting tragedies have been blamed on parents not paying attention.  I have to wonder how much of that is just media hype and our cultural need to place blame, but paying attention to what your family is doing is important.  Again this is not just for parents.  Couples need to show up and pay attention.  Adult children need to show up and pay attention to their aging parents.  Children need to be encouraged to pay attention to their parents too.  Does your family know what your days at work are like?  Do they pay attention to what matters to you?  We all feel better when we are paid some attention.  Families that pay attention are stronger.

Next speak the truth.  Now this is a tricky one.  Ariana, my daughter, still wonders if I was telling the truth when I praised her early art attempts. She now sees them as primitive at best and wonders if she can trust me to tell the truth now.  Telling the truth isn’t simple.  But we all need to be able to trust each other so we need to tell the truth.  Sometimes its not easy to know what the truth is but even admitting that is a kind of truth telling that builds strong families. Open honest communication between family members is tough, but vital.

And finally number ten.  Let go of the out come.  This seems almost antithetical to the others, but there comes a point when we have done all we can. When the words of Kahlil Gibran ring true, in the end we do the best we can and let go.  We can only find so much time, we can only provide so many opportunities, we can advocate, show up, pay attention and tell the truth only so long then the arrows are sent forth.  This is true in each moment and it is true in each lifetime.  We do the best we can and lovingly let go.  Our family will be stronger individually and collectively if we do not try to push beyond our limits.  Letting go involves trust and our families need to know we trust them.  Letting go is that paradoxical piece of holding our families together.  We hold them in our hearts, as we let go of the out come.

My top ten for families; find more time for your family, turn off the TV, come to church as a family, find other adults to be with, do social action together, advocate when and where you can, show up, pay attention, tell the truth, and then let go of the out come.  With luck and work the out come will be good.  May it be so.
 

References
1  Gottman, John. The seven Principles for Making Marriage Work pg. 19-20
2  Benson, Peter. What Kids Need to Succeed. P. 77
3  Davis, Laura and Keyser, Janis. “Ten Things You Can do to Make the World Better for all Families”. August 1, 1999.
     Online. http://www.parenthoodweb.com/articles/phw1078.htm October 1999.
 
 
 
 

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